The most regretful people on earth are those who felt the call to creative work, who felt their own creative power restive and uprising, and gave to it neither power nor time.

– Mary Oliver

An artist lives inside me, a third self of sorts, who is playful or stern or optimistic or despairing by turns. Subject and object twist and feed upon themselves like an ouroboros.

When shall I tune into this odd personage? When might I give full and free rein to the inner voice that aims to ponder and sing, make marks of some strange sort?

I struggle presently with the sense of being near the top of my professional game and continuing to pursue a career to help make the world a better place — and with the impetus to create, write, compose, and otherwise seek to make some novel sense out of this rare plane of existence.

How might I reconcile these urges in my life? Could I continue to move my career forward, even while giving power and time to my creative endeavors?

I find I crave more solitude and space of my own than I used to. I also find I treasure my personal relationships more than ever, wonderful people met across a lifetime who provide a web of support and interest in the world at large. Again: competing predilections, each deserving respect.

I daresay the answer lies in achieving balance. Little that we deal with is entirely black or white — life is a tapestry of interwoven threads in many colors. I have the great good fortune to nurture a career involving deeply creative elements that is a force for positive change in the world, so ultimately my conflict here is more one of quantity than quality in terms of where to apply my energies.

So I remind myself today: stay keenly aware of external and internal needs. Scratch the creative itch when it’s smarting. Feed the coffers with professional achievement when it’s available. Nothing is static. Embrace the tension, and make something positive out of it all.

Some days feel like the first day of the rest of your life. Some days feel like you’re coming full circle to a place of your past. Today for me is both of these.

Yesterday I said goodbye to a wonderful team at a consulting gig that’s looked a lot like a full-time job for the last year and half. I’m so grateful to those folks for bringing me back in (as I’d worked there prior to my stint in Australia) after I lost my dad and my husband in such quick succession in early 2018. I was numb and grieving, and truly didn’t know what to do with with myself. They created a work home for me that was supportive, and not too too demanding. The position took a turn into more responsibility at the start of 2019, but still, I reserved Fridays for working on my novel.

And that novel is now at 44,000 words, and I’m carving my way through the dark arc of the plot, with the finish somewhere not too far from sight. The novel idea came to me in June 2012, just after I had founded Find Wellness and was embarking on the entrepreneurial journey that would consume me for about two & a half years, until I sold the business. So I’ve nurtured this idea and this dream for a long time, finally lighting up production last year. Reading and doing Julie Cameron’s “The Artist’s Way” was a huge help at that time in re-igniting and validating my artistic impulses: highly recommend!

For, you see, I’ve always been an artist. I sold my first piece — an abstract watercolor on a piece of notebook paper – in 1984 when I was 11 years old, for just 5 yuan (we were living in Beijing, China at the time). I’m sure the couple who bought it, friends of my parents, put it in the bin not long after, but who cares? I “invented” my first product that year, too, a contraption made of balsa wood and straws. Zoom along to 1999 — I was living in San Francisco, a rudderless individual with a BA in English and French Literature to her name, and I was contemplating either pursuing art school or a philosophy PhD when the lightning insight hit me of undertaking a career as a designer. And, the interaction/user experience design field has served me delightfully well these past twenty years. Twenty years?! Aye. And I’d be deeply surprised if I didn’t continue to work as a design/product management consultant in some fashion or other in the days to come. I do like having income, after all….

But, primarily, now, I’m committing to my art. I’m committing to enacting and sharing my philosophy. Today and tomorrow and in the days to come, I’m going to make shit up. I’m going to create. I’m going to have adventures. I’m going to see what grows from the seeds I plant and nurture. I’m going to live and love and learn, the only way I know how: by going through. Life is far too precious and short not to take righteous advantage of this space that my work and life to date has enabled me. No matter however long this particular period lasts, I am transformed and lifted.

Do the stories about a looming recession share the shit out of me? Yes! I’d have a great track record here since I launched my design consultancy, Devise, in late 2007 just as the Great Recession arrived. But, I survived that, and I’ll survive whatever comes. I have wonderful friends & family, and my network deepens and expands with each new experience that comes my way. Does this transition also involve a fair measure of loss and grief, a shedding of my old skin to make way for a new pattern? Why, yes, it does. And but yet, it’s vital. There is much yet to be gained.

Reach out, friends! I want your words of wisdom; I want your inspiration; I treasure all your lights and look forward to having more time and freedom to explore the world with you. Namaste!