Time doesn’t move
in a straight line —
The ruler is a
shared convention and
so is the minute
we talk about, we
each know
The clock cannot be
taken seriously,
per Alan Watts,
but social institutions
are hard to
leave behind.
Poem
If this were the last time
I ever wrote a poem,
then at least one more
was written.
If this were the last time
I put ink on paper,
then at least I’ll have
made a mark.
If this were the last time
I helped my daughter find dinner,
then at least I have been
a mother.
Grief and gratitude:
I never knew these two
were sisters.
– E Bacon, Jan 6, 2022
More clearing
My husband has been dead
for a year and almost ten months
as I sift slowly through
his belongings
They are mine to sort, now
I find the love letters
his first wife wrote him
and some notes he wrote her
They sear my hands and
I drop them
I set them aside, for awhile
And then I gather them
up, and wrap them in
cellophane
They’re safe this way
They sit for a long time
My husband has been dead
for two years, nine months, and two days
the day I carry these notes
in my car
to his ex-wife
and I float above them,
apart from them
They are not mine to carry,
any longer
They never were —
but I am a caretaker,
and I do take care
of those I love.
Clearing
Today’s clearing work was a sewing project! All of these things that sit, undone, around the house are clutter: physical clutter as well as mental clutter. Taking on the thing and finishing it delivers really nice psychic dividends!
I have two matching leather ottomans that have seen better days – all beat up on top, cracking material. I started to envision putting on a slipcover many moons ago. Happily, I had a beautiful red brocade fabric with golden feathers on it, just sitting in the store room. I admit that I did look online to see if I could find a good off-the-shelf slipcover, but apparently, mine are an unusual size and shape, square and rather tall. So, no dice and I searched for a slipcover pattern to sew my own.
Voilà: Youtube delivered! This nice guy explained the steps. My fabric was wide enough to work for this method, and I laid out then cut an approximate piece. Next, I pinned the four edges tight, to indicate the corners and where the seam would be.
Then it was time to wake up the sewing machine! I got it out of its storage bag in the cabinet, and got it set up. I had to switch to a dark red thread that matched the fabric, and I re-read the manual to learn how to fill the bobbin with the same thread. That came together nicely, and soon I was putting down the first stitch.
Don’t forget to backstitch! Oh yes. There were re-fittings and adjustments partway through, on both of them. Besides that, the sewing machine decided to start making a crunchy noise and eating the thread of the bobbin in a weird way. I consulted the manual again, and troubleshooting involved disassembling part of the machine and cleaning out lint from key nooks and crannies. That resolved the issue and the project was completed forthwith!
Ground, clear, protect: all three elements help for a happy heart and home. Stay tethered to the earth, maintain a beautiful space, and keep aware of what’s for your highest good and what isn’t yours.
Poem on non-duality
Wind Sighs Through My Soul
Wind sighs through my soul
that sheds weights of old
In the cold of the earth
is the deepest fire of life
and a diamond is revealed
in the night's raindrop before me.
The sorrow of the trees
is that of the buddha,
always watching these mortals
blow, blow and die without knowing
ever, truly, that all is well...
To forgive for the pain,
that too hurts like a hurricane,
a gale of longing and want
for the plant to grow up sure —
attracted by sun, grounded by dirt
and ever-expanding into air,
somehow a part of the forest
between bricks and mortar floundering
on a roughshod foundation.
May the peace of nature take root
and breathe a future more true.
- May 2012 (unearthed)
Dwelling
A home is the basis
of a turning in the sky
A patch of ground, wet,
reflects the gray above
A person tramps through,
marking space with steps
Another person stops here,
caught up in a thought
A tangle of forms seem
to be separate, apart
yet form the very fabric
of this life, utterly basic
and just another rubric.
- Dec 10, 2019
Muck
Some days,
you're stuck behind
the garbage truck.
You just need to plug your nose,
and suck it up.
The windshield wipers
clear the rain,
again and again.
Do you feel the same
itch within your soul?
I see a smiling face
in my mind,
and wonder where I might find
true communion,
endless light.
First, clear out the trash.
Keep moving down the road.
- Jan 22 '20
Eye Rolls
I am truly grateful for the chance to be a mother in this lifetime, and I have been proud to parent a generally wonderful daughter. There’ve been some difficult times over the years, for sure: those early days-and-nights of constant feeding and diaper changes; the challenge of her having an emotional bully among her friends in 3rd grade; and then there was her recent threat to start eating vegan!
None of these experiences properly prepared me for parenting a teenager, however. She turned thirteen less than three months ago, but she dived in with both feet, one hand tightly clamping her nose. The waves continue to splash about, but one effect that I’m going to appreciate today in all its glory is: the eye roll.
That’s right, the eye roll is a classic teenager move that hasn’t lost any currency with the times. The kids may be glued to their devices, watching TikTok when they aren’t Snapchatting, but they’re still practicing this age-old move. In fact, it’s kind of contagious and my optic nerves are feeling a bit stressed from my own indulgences in this department.
I’m one for defining systems as a way of better understanding the world, and I venture to say that there are at least three classes of eye-rolls. Let’s walk through them together, shall we?
Class 1 Eye Rolls
Class 1 eye rolls are the most standard and commonly-seen manouever: eyelids open and eyeballs rotating visibly. There are a couple of variations that I’ve observed within the Class 1 eye roll.
Class 1, Subtype A: The eyeball is quickly rotated upwards towards the sky, and then dropped back into place. The primary effect is a flashing white eyeball. If you aren’t watching her, though, you might just miss it.
Class 1, Subtype B: The eyeball is rotated in a grand gesture from left to right or right to left, with some upward movement as well – a kind of parabola effect, if you will. This one takes longer to perform and is never intended to be hidden or subtle. It will be repeated if you were so dense as to miss it.
Class 1, Subtype C: Performed along with either Subtype A or Subtype B, the eyelids are made to flutter as well. Like Subtype B, this variant absolutely takes the eye roll into performative territory – it’s meant to be noticed.
Class 2 Eye Rolls
Class 2 eye rolls are performed with the eyelids closed. My daughter seems to believe that this obscures her action such that it is invisible. She is wrong.
Class 2, Subtype A: Usually performed at the dinner table in a very rapid manner, the eyelids are held closed while a Class 1, Subtype A eyeroll is performed under the covers, so to speak.
Class 2, Subtype B: Adding to the air of mystery, the hair is allowed to fall across the face and further obscure the eyes-closed Class 2 eyeroll. Somehow, the self-conscious teenager believes that a lock of hair completely hides the entire face.
Class 2, Subtype C: Removing any mystery altogether, this type of eyes-closed eye roll is a Class 1, Subtype B that is performed in such a protracted way that it’s dead obvious what’s going on if you have her anywhere in your field of view. Try it with a friend, and note for yourself that eyelids do not, in fact, hide the movement of the iris and eyeball.
Class 3 Eye Rolls
Class 3 eye rolls pull out all the teenager stops: it’s a Class 1 eye roll of one subtype or other that’s also accompanied by a synchronous movement or vocalization. There’s nothing subtle about this class of eye roll.
Class 3, Subtype A: Any of the Class 1 subtypes is embellished with a frown. Typically this is not your average, small-scale frown, but a huge, almost distended downturn of both corners of the mouth. Picture something like those two despairing emojis…but with the eyes rolling, of course.
Class 3, Subtype B: Any of the Class 1 or Class 2 eye roll subtypes is also joined by a deep sigh or similarly protracted & world-weary sound. This type of eye roll says: “I am absolutely going to die of exasperation…or perhaps this exhalation.”
I freely admit this set is just a first stab at capturing the deep world of teenagers’ eye-rolls. I welcome other parents helping me categorize the fine and important distinctions to be made in this arena. What’s your teenager demonstrating via eye roll that would help us all to better understand this very delicate yet highly judgmental creature? Comments encouraged!
Accept, and let go
Why be unhappy about something
If it can be remedied?
And what is the use of being unhappy about something
If it cannot be remedied?
Shantideva
Accept, and let go.
I’ve been practicing this mantra of “accept and let go” that came to me out of necessity or at least circumstance last year. My father decided that his time had come, so he ceased dialysis and passed away peacefully in January 2018. My husband learned he had stage IV cancer and he departed the earth two months later, in March 2018. The dates are immaterial in the grand scheme of things, but precisely consequential to my experiencing great loss in a short period of time.
Death is a kind of loss that is more permanent and jarring than most other losses. We lose things in our lives all the time, from sweatshirts and sunglasses to jobs and relationships. Losing a human being to death, though, is irreversible and it completely removes that individual from the fabric of daily reality. (Even if you believe in ghosts/spirits, they are not the living person. I suppose that a celebrity whose image is captured and expanded, such as for example Robin Williams, doesn’t depart in the same way that your average person does. But my losses were average people…I have dreadfully little record of them, almost no video.) They aren’t here any more, period.
Accept, and let go.
The stages of grief are well known, and acceptance is the last of them. I felt and worked through shock and numbness, depression, anger, as well as denial and isolation. Each of those emotions or states still occasionally arises. Each of those feelings generates a reaction, most problematic. Thusly I believe that it’s the letting go that is most important alongside the acceptance. I must accept that this loss has happened, and let go of minding what happened, of wishing it were other. I must let go of a sense of injustice or wrongness as I accept the reality of what is.
Accept, and let go.
Every day — at least! — the universe gives us a chance to practice this awareness and flow. I’m learning to play the drums, and it is tremendously exciting and confounding at the same time. To date in my life, I’ve not done much music-making and my limbs barely conform even as my ears are still learning to hear and contribute ideas to my body. Yet, it’s a joyful practice to swing and make sounds. The beats are not always on, but I accept what’s done and let go and move into the next moment. They roll, we roll, and all there can be is acceptance and release, hearing and letting go. I have hardly ever jammed with other people, which, it turns out, leads to a whole ‘nother level of needing to accept, and let go. Sometimes I stop and shake my head at myself and occasionally I will laugh, but I am learning to simply…keep going. So it is. So it goes. Keep going.
Accept, and let go.